I could say the usual excuses: work is hectic, was out enjoying life, no real time to write, blah blah blah. I’m not. I just did not feel like writing. Pretty much from the end of the holidays to a month ago, I did not want to share what was going on in my life, my head or my heart. Sometimes I would get a blurb, but who wants to read random bursts? Nothing seemed important enough to put down in words. Add to that I am not willing to divulge really personal stuff and you have several months of nothing. I do not plan on filling in all the gap, but I will provide snippets to catch one up.
My last post I said how I was not going to let trials that may come along consume me and something about new beginnings. Hmph! Nice try! Maybe they did not consume me, but they sure did gnaw away! Life events lead me to begin the job search again. That was the most awful thing ever! Not that I had to go back to work, but the whole stinkin’ process. That can really kill a persons self esteem. I heard I was over qualified, under qualified, very impressive resume and interview, but they have gone with another candidate, yakity, yakity yuck. That is nothing compared to the silence. It was just a J.O.B., but you cannot help but take it personally when rejected. What is worse is that these were just jobs. Nothing I would really want to do forever. I know you know what I mean: nothing that would set my soul on fire, filling me with a “purpose”. I sat down and really thought. What do I really want? The list was very long and random. Shouldn’t I make the “purpose” and not my job? I know that there are many jobs out there, which change peoples’ lives. I am talking about both. Is it possible? Is it just perspective? I wanted instant life change and that was my downfall. It does not happen that way. (Most know this so I am not going to preach on it.) I made short-term goals and long-term goals. I wrote another list about what things made me happy. I even made a list of things I wanted to do or experience, but just “knew” I was too chicken to set out for or was never going to happen.What was I going to make out of my life?
The next step I took was not easy. I totally did something out of my comfort zone. I talked to other people and asked their perspective on me. Solicited from friends, family and former co-workers, the feedback was quite interesting. I compared those results to my many lists and acted on it. I changed what types of positions I was looking for. I even stopped looking for a J.O.B, job. I just became aware of opportunities. I went for what would make me happy or where I thought I might be able to make a difference. When I say that, I am not speaking of saving the world. No grandiose plan here, it is more like a personal difference. Again, it is all perspective. I am not saying I did not or do not feel sad, anxious, let down, or maybe just plain cuckoo at times. I know how to deal with it better and really do see them as a lesson somewhere in the mess.
So where am I at in all this? I am working for an alpaca farm. What started as tedious work to some has turned into many opportunities for me. I will even go as far to say I know I am helping make a difference for the farm. It does help that the farm is owned and managed by an awesome couple. The main owner I work directly with saw potential in me. It does help that she thinks outside the box and is creative in her own ways. Here comes the BUT…I had to see my potential and what interested me, to not be afraid to go after it. What started as potential fleece and farm hand work branched into marketing, communications, and event work. I do adore the farm work! The fleece work I could take it or leave it. The more physical workdays I go home feeling accomplished and sleep really well! They are more than an alpaca farm. I joke with friends and call it my therapy, but I know there is truth in it! I am certain there will be future posts about my farm work adventures.
I stopped robotically thinking about necessity and a bleak reality to pursue things I always used to enjoy or had elements of things that make me happy. This only happened because I once again said screamed “enough”! My mom always said” it’s not the big bugs that annoy you, it’s the gnats”. I was able to either get rid of the gnats or learn to ignore them.
Since this adventure started, other life paths have opened up. I am enjoying the work activities life is bringing my way. Later on, I do know that I will turn off this life path to take another, but I am not going to “settle”. I do hope and believe that I will stay with the farm and my new friends in some capacity. Well, only if I wrap this up and get back to the marketing work tasked.
It feels good to post again and know I really can get behind what I just said. I am sharing an experience among friends. I am not trying to convince myself I can make it through another day by posting positive mumbo jumbo. I am living it. I am moving. It may be a snails pace, but dang it I am moving forward! Is it time you get honest, take your outsiders' evaluations into consideration (some you should toss out the window), make your lists and move?
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