Let's spice things up

Today was a fun day. A day to learn which always excites this nerd. I had a realization that in certain areas of my life I'm still "safe". Even in areas where I thought I was exploring. When I try new recipes I always follow exact and then make my modifications the next go round. A friend is mentoring me through my food exploration. At my friend's advice I'm going to use the recipes as guidelines, learning to trust my own senses. My food/cooking therapy is no surprise to those who really know me, but this more sensual side might be. I got to thinking about that. I connected those same feelings to some movies I enjoy about food. I recently watched Woman on Top. I hadn't seen it in a while. It made me laugh because I could relate one of the main character's friendships to one I have with a fellow flight attendant friend here. It isn't the best of movies, but a good escape. The main character's view on food and the passion behind it is so spot on for me. Two more I like and haven't seen in a while are Chocolat and The Mistress of Spices. The latter is the one I recalled today. I went to a specialty spice shop. What an experience! I'm not talking about highly commercialized like Penzey's. Don't get me wrong, I like Penzey's. This shop was different from the second I walked in. The whole atmosphere enveloped me. Every sense was heightened. Yes, my hearing too. Listening to others talk about what creation they were making, customers exclaim such joy to be able to find the spice or herb they've been searching, or the knowledgable clerk guide me through the curry shelves. You could hear such care and almost honor for the varied personalities of each. I was happy to share my finds with my mentor. This friend describes food with almost the same reverence and uniqueness.
With so much going on it is so nice to have this escape. It is wonderful that my patriots like to try new things. This wouldn't be as mucgh fun if I didn't have at least someone to share it with. I can share the fruition of my labor with my boys, and dare I say the emotions of such learning and experiences with my friend. I used to make food for my co-workers and employees. One of them hadn't had some of the items before so it was always nice to see her reactions. I still share by proxy with her via Twitter sometimes.  The last tweet to her was that this momma has a brand new bag. attached was a picture of me holding up the brown checkout bag from the spice shop. Corny? You bet. I do feel a bit like James Brown singing "I feel good" It feels nice. I'm liking this sugar and spice! I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.
I'm still searching recipes for the goodies I picked up today. All I know is that I feel alive and happy that my life is literally being spiced up.

I sit here pondering life on my eighth month anniversary of achieving one of my life's dreams. Flying has been wonderful! I have met some interesting people and been to places I haven't before. Two more moves under my belt which brings the count to about an average of 1.3 times a year in my lifetime.It has been bittersweet along the way. Personal things are stagnant and moving at the same time. I am really challenging my faith in God. Our personal relationship is rocky. It is just that though, personal. I've had some health issues. One tumor removed and another to be done soon, provided it is not too close to my spine. I can't wait to get back to my running again. The physical therapy isn't going as well as hoped. My advantage of being flexible was awesome as a gymnast, but not so much when they have to revamp your PT. Seeking more holistic approach than my previous holistic approach. You totally understood that right?  Still having fun using cooking therapy to cope with stress. It is harder in this tiny apartment kitchen.The farmer's markets here are fabulous! Gained some friends and lost some too. For the first time in a long time, I look forward to my birthday this year. I'm spending it alone in NYC. My schedule, my food choices, my day, my life. As my patriots grow older, the mother relationship has grown stronger. I know I'm setting a good example for them. I'm equipping them to be happy and successful in their lives. My five year plan is quickly being scaled down to realistically 2-3. I'm more than fine with that. I'm reading more non-fiction. That's right, non-fiction that isn't cookbook or travel books. I'm happy with my life and know that I'm moving in the right direction. Even if friends and other family members don't "get it" who gives a flying flip. I do and I'm owning it. I understand that I change my life map. Sure things don't always happen as we plan, but I will no longer feel coerced into decisions. I am not someone's property. I am my own person. I am a unique nerd. I have a lot to offer this world, no matter how large or small I choose to make it.

Back of barn

Front portion of my barn

Here is what I have been up to: waiting in the airline flight attendant training pool to call me up, working at various local farmers markets for Endless Alpacas, obtaining a rural house and the due diligence to learn what goes along with living there, and food preservation with my mom.

I’m not a total “back to basics” homestead girl, (I will not be reusing gray water) but I do believe there is a healthy balance somewhere in-between for me and my family. Sadly, I’ve received a few obnoxious words from Christian friends who ranted about being a “liberal greenie” or believing “environmental hype/propaganda”.  Truly, I wanted to slap the natural fertilizer out of them. As a believer of God myself, I reminded (or informed) them that as Christians we were instructed to rule over the earth and the animals (Genesis 1:26-28, Genesis 2:15, Psalm 8:6-8). We are to obtain our food from it with the hard work of our bodies (after the fall of man), and be good stewards too (Exodus 23:10-11; Leviticus 25:1-7 and Proverbs 12:10). He instructed us to use His creation wisely, to care of what He has given us. I also reminded them as well as myself that we are to love one another and leave the judging up to God. I think one understood where I was coming from, but only after I explained my (non-radical) efforts I am/will be doing. I have always felt this way to my core, just halfway or sometimes barely practicing. Now to practice that life I have made more changes, some sacrifices and taken a few risks, but at this point believe it will help fuel my soul.
 I have thoroughly enjoyed learning the canning and other food preservation process from mom. Shelling peas is tedious, but I know they will taste even better because of my hard work. I have the seasonal food chart in my purse with another in our house. I look forward to tomato, peach and blackberry season! I treasure the time spent with Mom and the generations’ worth of wisdom and hearing the precious stories of her mother and grandmother. They all endured very hard and sometimes-brutal life moments. These women handed down much strength and taught persistence to make me the woman that I am today. I will continue to learn from them making me a better mother, friend and maybe a better helpmate. My patriots are getting involved more. Sometimes not willingly at first, but they are starting to realize the satisfaction of following God’s desires, one’s own hard work leading to accomplishment and how saving money on food we grow or tend to allows more fun and free-time for all of us. They are taking on initiatives of their own. Some I have had to curb a bit while others will wait until we are settled at the new house. We are all looking forward to enjoying our almost six acres of land, and what we will cultivate from its use with His wisdom.  The boys cannot wait to have airsoft battles there and explore the way only boys can do. I am certain I will have many prayers asking for strength and patience!

 The work with Endless Farms is wonderful! I am learning so much and know that I will have lifetime friends. I have a "co-worker" who is so smart, actively participating in life and probably the most compassionate person I have met. I need to do more of the marketing so that the farm can really prosper. Now that this house situation is finalized, I can update the websites in-between packing. I look forward to boarding and taking care of Endless’ Alpacas until I am able to secure my own. It’s a great match. Margaret has the breeding science to an art I think. I am interested in the fiber aspect. I think mom is excited about the fiber art from these beautiful animals as well. Margaret and Danny are great mentors for everything alpaca, poultry, “country life” and are a great source of contacts and resources. The owners and I are on the same page when it comes to bartering. I do not feel that any of us is getting a better end of the deal. I feel it is and will continue to be a fair agreement.

 Now, when it comes to waiting for the flight attendant call up that can only be told by time. I may be so immersed and enjoying life on the farmette that I may say no thank you. I might be at a point in my life that I feel completely content with what my life activities are. I just don’t know. I love the industry and the perks it can offer, but what might I be sacrificing? I could be called up in two weeks or 8 months. I can’t guess what base I would be assigned and even that could change on company needs. Am I ready (or will I ever be) to go back to what corporate tells me my life should be? I honestly think that answer is a no, but would I be willing to compromise just to have the experience? That is where I think I would say yes. That is just now. I have not begun my full rural experience so again, only time will tell.

 My experience is that I am living. As eclectic as my experiences are, I am living and learning. Disappointments are present, but like the family women before me, I will persevere and push life rather than give up. I hope that I will have precious stories and some wisdom to share one day with those who are willing.

I could say the usual excuses: work is hectic, was out enjoying life, no real time to write, blah blah blah. I’m not. I just did not feel like writing. Pretty much from the end of the holidays to a month ago, I did not want to share what was going on in my life, my head or my heart. Sometimes I would get a blurb, but who wants to read random bursts? Nothing seemed important enough to put down in words. Add to that I am not willing to divulge really personal stuff and you have several months of nothing. I do not plan on filling in all the gap, but I will provide snippets to catch one up.

My last post I said how I was not going to let trials that may come along consume me and something about new beginnings. Hmph! Nice try! Maybe they did not consume me, but they sure did gnaw away! Life events lead me to begin the job search again. That was the most awful thing ever! Not that I had to go back to work, but the whole stinkin’ process. That can really kill a persons self esteem. I heard I was over qualified, under qualified, very impressive resume and interview, but they have gone with another candidate, yakity, yakity yuck. That is nothing compared to the silence. It was just a J.O.B., but you cannot help but take it personally when rejected. What is worse is that these were just jobs. Nothing I would really want to do forever. I know you know what I mean: nothing that would set my soul on fire, filling me with a “purpose”.  I sat down and really thought. What do I really want? The list was very long and random. Shouldn’t I make the “purpose” and not my job? I know that there are many jobs out there, which change peoples’ lives. I am talking about both. Is it possible? Is it just perspective? I wanted instant life change and that was my downfall. It does not happen that way. (Most know this so I am not going to preach on it.) I made short-term goals and long-term goals. I wrote another list about what things made me happy. I even made a list of things I wanted to do or experience, but just “knew” I was too chicken to set out for or was never going to happen.What was I going to make out of my life?

The next step I took was not easy. I totally did something out of my comfort zone. I talked to other people and asked their perspective on me. Solicited from friends, family and former co-workers, the feedback was quite interesting. I compared those results to my many lists and acted on it. I changed what types of positions I was looking for. I even stopped looking for a J.O.B, job. I just became aware of opportunities. I went for what would make me happy or where I thought I might be able to make a difference. When I say that, I am not speaking of saving the world. No grandiose plan here, it is more like a personal difference. Again, it is all perspective. I am not saying I did not or do not feel sad, anxious, let down, or maybe just plain cuckoo at times. I know how to deal with it better and really do see them as a lesson somewhere in the mess.

So where am I at in all this? I am working for an alpaca farm. What started as tedious work to some has turned into many opportunities for me. I will even go as far to say I know I am helping make a difference for the farm. It does help that the farm is owned and managed by an awesome couple. The main owner I work directly with saw potential in me. It does help that she thinks outside the box and is creative in her own ways. Here comes the BUT…I had to see my potential and what interested me, to not be afraid to go after it. What started as potential fleece and farm hand work branched into marketing, communications, and event work. I do adore the farm work! The fleece work I could take it or leave it. The more physical workdays I go home feeling accomplished and sleep really well! They are more than an alpaca farm. I joke with friends and call it my therapy, but I know there is truth in it! I am certain there will be future posts about my farm work adventures.

I stopped robotically thinking about necessity and a bleak reality to pursue things I always used to enjoy or had elements of things that make me happy. This only happened because I once again said screamed “enough”! My mom always said” it’s not the big bugs that annoy you, it’s the gnats”. I was able to either get rid of the gnats or learn to ignore them.

Since this adventure started, other life paths have opened up. I am enjoying the work activities life is bringing my way. Later on, I do know that I will turn off this life path to take another, but I am not going to “settle”. I do hope and believe that I will stay with the farm and my new friends in some capacity. Well, only if I wrap this up and get back to the marketing work tasked.

It feels good to post again and know I really can get behind what I just said. I am sharing an experience among friends. I am not trying to convince myself I can make it through another day by posting positive mumbo jumbo. I am living it. I am moving. It may be a snails pace, but dang it I am moving forward! Is it time you get honest, take your outsiders' evaluations into consideration (some you should toss out the window), make your lists and move?

Not the normal Thanksgiving Blessing

 Most everyone takes time to be thankful this time of year. The rest of the year caught up in daily life, we coast along, many by just existing. I have been one of those who have taken much for granted.
With the holiday season kicking off I feel guilty. Guilty that I at times told my 3 patriots " not now" and missed precious moments with them. I feel bad that I never wrote to extended family I intended to keep in touch with. Putting friends off because I was so "busy". Wasting time envying others' talent, causing me to miss my own that I never knew existed. I'm guilty of worrying over trivial things, abandoning the small wonders and just frankly wasting time.
Now, that my personal world is greatly changing I realize how foolish I have been. So, I'm starting my New Year resolution now. I will try not to worry about the silly stuff, stuff I can't control. I am trying my hand at a new talent adventure at the urging of a friend. I am making time for friends, savoring each laugh and tear shared. I'm putting projects down and answering the call of my precious boys who are growing so fast. Taking some "me time" when needed. I'm reaching out to fellow mankind as I can, however small the gesture. I'm going to spend quality time with my parents.( I never know how long I'll have them.) I will embrace whatever life throws at me as a chance to learn. Sometimes it will be in hindsight, but always an opportunity. I'm going to live rather than exist.
I'm not waiting another year to be thankful. I will savor each new day and be grateful just to have it. I'm not naive to think I won't have trials. I just won't let them consume me. I won't give up.
In the words of Albert Finney as Scrooge, " I'll begin again. I will build my life. I will live to know that I've fulfilled my life. I'll begin today."